Ricardo

Me: Hey! How are you? 2:13 PM
Ricardo calls and leaves a message saying: “Hello, I’m fine, bye”
Me: Can’t talk on the phone now! Let’s text 2:17 PM
Ricardo: WHY 2:17 PM
Me: Why not? 2:19 PM
Ricardo: CALL ME PATTY I HAV MY REASONS WHAT R YOURS ? 2:31 PM
Me: Who is patty? 2:32 PM
Ricardo: WHO R U AND SHE BETTER B OK! 2:34 PM
Me: This is Rebecca and I have no idea what you’re talking about. 2:35 PM
Ricardo: I DON T GET A LI 2:36 PM
Me: As in Jet Li? I don’t get him either. 2:36 PM
Ricardo: I DONE GET A LIFE A LITTLE 2 MUCH T V LAND UR RIGHT UR CYBER DRONES GO 4 A WALK WITH UR GAL OOR BOYFIEND AND FEEL TIE RAIN that fell 20000ft 2:49 PM
Ricardo: hit u a gift of god 2:49 PM
Me: You’re so funny baby 2:50 PM
Ricardo: AND TELL ME WHO PATTY WALKS WITH 2:51 PM
Me: Who is Patty, baby? I don’t know patty is? 2:52 PM
Me: Now I’m getting jealous 2:52 PM
Ricardo: HoW BOUT TISH patty ann 2:56 PM
Me: You’re getting on my last, Albert. 2:58 PM
Me: How dare you ignore me! 3:12 PM
Ricardo: NICE IF TISH IS OR ISNT ERIC BRIEFED ME ON ALL OF U FROM THE BEST KISSER AND THERE MUCH MOre call me pat and 2 bad about u 1 never returN 2 HQ patty cum 3:12 PM
Ricardo: get me and u find what u been look 4 40 years an i am the man 2 give u both beings think hard nite giRls an boys back 2 ur sandbox hope 2 c u patty a 3:12 PM
Ricardo: nn hata woan 3:12 PM
Me: Albert. This is not patty. Do you comprehend. I don’t want to hear about this other lady. 3:13 PM
Ricardo: THAT KING FRANCIS ALBERT WHO SLAUGHTERED U WASP WITH THE IRISH AND SCOTTS I AM FRENCH AND LOVE GO OUT TO DINNER WITH A FRIEND I WIRH IT WAS MY PATTY BU 3:27 PM
Ricardo: T I HATE CHILDS GAMES WITH WHAT R U WELL CLOUCK TICK PAT BV WILL ALWAY TREASURE OUR LIPS MEETN 4THE1ST TIME AMD THEY HAD S— HAPPLY EVER NOW NITE NITE M 3:27 PM
Ricardo: Y LIL MENTAL S 3:27 PM
Me: You’ve really hurt my feelings. 3:29 PM
Me: Sleep tight, Jonathan. 3:29 PM
Ricardo: NIGHT DEBA LIKE U I WILL MAKE U FEEL IN BED YES THGHT NO SLEEP FEEL BETTER NOW U FEEL LIKE ME I GOT 2 CHANGE THAT ASAP GNITE 3:36 PM
Me: You’re sucha gentleman Cedric 3:37 PM
Me: WAKE UP JUAN CARLOS 3:51 PM
Ricardo: K 4:01 PM
Me: I missed you Esteban 4:01 PM

Bronsen

Me: Hey! How’s the fam? 7:02 PM

Bronsen: Hey! Who is this (I have an iPhone now…) 7:53 PM

Me: Hi it’s Brad! Surprise! 7:55 PM

Bronsen: Which one, fart knocker? 7:56 PM

Me: Yes, Brad Fart Knocker. Good guess. 7:57 PM

Bronsen: -§- 8:28 PM

Me: How are you sweet cheeks? 8:28 PM

Bronsen: I’m well. Family is good. 8:29 PM

Me: Clap all cleared up? 8:29 PM

Bronsen: Brad, that was shared with you in confidence. 8:30 PM

Me: Guess not? 8:31 PM

Bronsen: I never had you tramp. 9:31 PM

Me: Oh, I did and I thought I gave you a real biting case of it 9:31 PM

Bronsen: -§- 9:33 PM

Bernard

Me: Hey! How’s the fam? 7:04 PM

Bernard: I’m sorry but who is this? 8:00 PM

Me: Rebecca! Surprise! 8:00 PM

Bernard: I’m sorry again but which ha ha 8:19 PM

Bernard: This is all so exciting…. 8:19 PM

Me: Aww, you don’t remember me honeybunch? That makes me sad 8:20 PM

Bernard: Hmmm. I know a couple Rebeccas from way back when…. 8:21 PM

Bernard: Don’t be sad….you sure you have the right person? This is Bernard 8:21 PM

Me: Oh, I thought this was Landice! I’m newly lesbian and wants to tell EVERYONE! 8:23 PM

Bernard: Wow, Landice I am not. But congratulations anyway! I’m gay too. 8:29 PM

Me: Do you have any tips for me? 8:30 PM

Bernard: Be happy. Choose it whenever you can :-) 8:51 PM

Me: What is DP in gay slang? Somebody is asking me to do that. 8:53 PM

Bernard: Hmmm double penetration? 9:42 PM

Me: Oh right, that makes sense since I have two vaginas..Well, really it’s just one REALLY big one, but it’s more or less two…and he has two penii (that’s the plural, right? Penii?) 9:51 PM

Archie

Kathleen Part 2

Read Kathleen Part 1

Me: Hi darling. Is your fridge running? 7:29 PM

Kathleen: Seriously, who is this? 8:01 PM

Me: Bradford 8:02 PM

Kathleen: Ohhh yes that makes sense now! Was that a text crank call? Pretty good! 8:06 PM

Me: No, it was a legitimate question! 8:07 PM

Kathleen: Then… Yes? 8:08 PM

Me: I need somewhere to put my food, mine is borked 8:09 PM

Kathleen: I thought you were going to tell me to go catch it (womp womp). You are welcome to use mine — do you live anywhere near me? 8:12 PM

Kathleen: Or you can always go feral and store stuff on the fire escape 8:12 PM

Me: Maybe I’ll store things in Sarah Palins butt. She’s a frigid bitch, should be good. 8:15 PM

Kathleen: You don’t know, she might be a very nice lady who is more than willing to put out. 8:20 PM

Gerhardt

Me: Hey! How are youuuuu! 7:13 PM

Gerhardt: Who is this? 7:14 PM

Me: Rebecca! Surprise! 7:15 PM

Gerhardt: Good!! Whatcha up to 7:15 PM

Me: Just watchin the game. What are you up to?? Tell me everything. 7:16 PM

Gerhardt: In Cleveland. Just watching game 7:17 PM

Me: Well, I have news. Sorry for the Debbie downer moment but my dog Bigsbie died. But she was old and had dog cancer. 7:19 PM

Gerhardt: Sorry to hear!! 7:20 PM

Me: In other news I can get your pants torpedo out of my head. 7:21 PM

Gerhardt: ?? 7:22 PM

Me: Your man meat, your whitey tightey salami, your lady muff tingler, your shag carpet cleaner…. 7:23 PM

Gerhardt: Lol. 7:24 PM

Me: Oh my god you have no idea who I am! You scoundrel! 7:24 PM

Gerhardt: : ))) refresh my memory!! 7:30 PM

Me: You put your penis in my vagina and there was a lot of friction and then you came and I went home. 7:31 PM

Gerhardt: Lol. Ur funny!!! Where exactly did this take place? Did u enjoy? : ))) 7:32 PM

Me: In my vagina! Duh. I did enjoy and I’m yearning for another rendezvous down there. It’s getting musty. 7:34 PM

Gerhardt: Where u live?? I mean what exact place did this happen 7:36 PM

Me: Down south. In your bed silly. Hope you’ve washed the sheets since. 7:38 PM

Gerhardt: What state? 7:39 PM

Gerhardt: City? 7:39 PM

Gerhardt: I think ur messing with me. Send pixt! I’m bad with names 7:41 PM

Me: The state Where everything’s bigger! But seriously if you don’t remember me Clifford I don’t see why I would send you pootie shot texts. 7:42 PM

Gerhardt: See ur face would remind me 7:43 PM

Me: Fuck you Clifford! Both of my sets of lips are off limits to you! 7:44 PM

Gerhardt: My name is not Clifford!!! U got wrong number babe 7:45 PM

Me: Ohhhh my GOD I am soooooo sorry! I’m blushing so red people will think i’m an embarrassed tomato 7:45 PM

Me: …well, offer still stands. Lol. 7:46 PM

Gerhardt: Lol. Ur fine!! Funny shit. Send pict then!! Where u live 7:46 PM

Me: I can’t send my butt to strangers! 7:47 PM

Gerhardt: Send ur face. Or just give last name and I’ll see one on Facebook 7:48 PM

Gerhardt: I’m curious 7:48 PM

Me: Fontane. People only recognize me by my butt. 7:49 PM

Gerhardt: I’m a butt man! : ) 7:51 PM

Me: Tell me what you’re into, sweetie. 7:51 PM

Gerhardt: Butts 7:52 PM

Gerhardt: I can’t tell anything by ur Facebook page! : ( ur gonna have to send pict : )) 7:53 PM

Me: Roll playing? Bdsm? Scat? Dom sub? Anal? Pie? 7:54 PM

Gerhardt: What u into? 7:55 PM

Gerhardt: Wow 7:55 PM

Me: Recently into girls kinda but haven’t had a chance to check out the lady bits up close and personal 7:56 PM

Gerhardt: Good for u!! U live in new Orleans!! Are u girl in middle on ur FB page 7:57 PM

Gerhardt: Threesomes are awesome 7:57 PM

Gerhardt: I need pict bad!!!!! ; )) 8:06 PM

Me: What’s your email address? I don’t have picture messaging 8:07 PM

Gerhardt: xxxx@xxxxxx.com (removed for privacy) 8:08 PM

Me: You’ve got mail 8:14 PM

Gerhardt: Won’t let me check it and phone is one bar from dying!!! 8:19 PM

Me: Sucks to be you 8:25 PM

Mitchell

Me: Hey! How’s the fam? 11:09 PM

Mitchell: Hey, I just got a new phone, who is this? 11:11 PM

Me: It’s Rebecca! Surprise! 11:11 PM

Mitchell: Hey there. How are you? 11:14 PM

Me: I’m doing well. Just thinkin about your cute lil cheeks. How’s life? 11:16 PM

Mitchell: Life is good. What have u been up to lately? 11:18 PM

Me: Oh, being a nasty little bitch! Haha, just kidding. Well, I’ve recently decided I’m a lesbian, so there’s that. 11:19 PM

Mitchell: Oh yeah, how’d u decide that 11:21 PM

Me: I’ve had my life’s fill of the two eyed sea dragon and now it’s time for a ride on the magic carpet. 11:22 PM

Mitchell: Ha! 11:22 PM

Me: Are you gay yet? 11:23 PM

Mitchell: Don’t see that happpening 11:24 PM

Me: Funny, I always imagined a tiny little dwarf queen inside you waiting to burst out belting songs from Legally Blonde the musical. But I love you anyway. What do you think of my lesbianism? 11:45 PM

Mitchell: Not sure where u’d get that, but funny. I think your lesbianism is great if it will make u a happy person 11:46 PM

Me: Doesn’t make you all hot and heavy thinking of me in the boudoir with a lady friend gently flicking her nipples with my sand paper cat tongue? 11:48 PM

Mitchell: Sure that too 11:55 PM

Me: Oooh baby baby uhhhhhhh 11:56 PM

Gregory

Kathleen

Me: Come have a chicken mcnugget with me. Or on me. Or in me. 11:14 PM

Kathleen: Wow who’s this! 12:09 AM

Me: Your long lost love McNugget Face Harrison! 12:09 AM

Kathleen: It’s really you, McNugget?? 12:10 AM

Me: Tis tis. How art thou McFlurry Gunderson?! 12:11 AM

Kathleen: Nobody’s called me that since Nam… I go by Joe these days. Nobody remembers Joe and I like it that way. 12:12 AM

Kathleen: What’s cooking, McNugget? 12:45 AM

Me: Occupying McDonalds. 12:55 AM

Beatrixt

Me: Hey! How are you? 10:00 PM

Beatrixt: Hi, who is this? 10:00 PM

Me: Hey, it’s stephen. Whatcha up to tonight? 10:01 PM

Beatrixt: Hey stranger! Mini college reunion in les! 11:35 PM

Beatrixt: Do you know anyone who’d be interested in the kanye concert? 11:44 PM

Me: Jennifer or Sam or Becky or Ross or Candi or Tabitha or Mertha or Chatnooga or Denzelle? 11:44 PM